Everything, All At Once
by Charlotte88
Summary: Long one-shot. "She's looking at you in that way that tells you she's seen something in your eyes that you're not entirely sure you want her to see."


_Dedicated to RonnieAndJackForever-Chloe, because she's a little bit more than amazing and asked me to make Harry tell Nikki that he would miss her._

_..._

**Everything, All At Once**

You sigh as you trail after Leo, Nikki and Janet through the crowd of people, slipping slightly on the wet grass in the dark. What Leo's reasoning was for deciding that it would be a good idea to drag you all to a firework display when you could be spending your Friday night... well, in the warm, at least – you'll never know. All you do know is that the cold has already seeped through your multiple layers of clothing and is making you shiver.

"Leo, what are we doing here?" you ask, cursing as you stand in a particularly muddy spot. "We're having a work outing," Leo calls over his shoulder. "We've had a tough week, I thought it would be nice to get out and forget about it all for a while."

You mull over his words, deciding that it was quite a good reason after all. He was right. Child killers were never easy, for obvious reasons, but a child _serial_ killer, like they'd had that week? Well, that was near enough unbearable.

You glance over at Nikki. It was originally her case, and you're very aware that she'd taken it worse. She always does. It's her compassion, you realise. Her unending desire to reach the truth, even if it's painful. You've watched her struggle, this past week. You've watched her fight an internal battle, knowing that she was debating whether to crawl away and hide, despite her yearning to bring justice upon those who deserve it.

Not many other people would have noticed that about her. But you always have been able to tell when she wasn't quite herself, despite her attempts to hide it. Even from you.

You pull yourself back to the present when you notice that Leo has stopped. The four of you now have quite good positions against the rope that's sectioning off the large, roaring bonfire. You can already feel the effects of the heat; it was like stepping into a warm bath.

Janet and Leo are whispering and giggling to each other, so you stand beside Nikki and nudge her playfully with your elbow.

"You all right?" you ask her, already knowing the answer.

She turns to look at you, and you can see the reflections of the flames dancing in her eyes. "Never better," she smiles.

"Liar," you scoff, knowing that the softly-softly approach doesn't often work with Nikki.

"Believe what you want to believe, Harry," she sighs. "You usually do," she adds with a slight smirk, turning back to the fire.

You decide to ignore this, and follow her gaze instead. Two men were still hammering fireworks into the ground. Another was adding wood to the bonfire. You sigh pointedly. "When's it going to start?" you ask loudly.

Nikki tuts and makes a sarcastic comment referring to your mental age, while Janet turns to you and tells you that you got there early to get the front row so not for another fifteen minutes or so.

You watch Nikki again for a moment. She's still staring at the fire, but you know she's not really seeing it. Her mind is clearly on other things. And, despite not being a gambling man, you'd bet your life savings that you knew what she was thinking about.

"You did well this week, you know," you mutter, so that only she can hear you.

"What?" she asks, frowning at you.

"It wasn't an easy case, and you did well," you reiterate. "Most would have given up, but you didn't. You kept on going, you kept fighting. You bought justice to the bastard that did it. You gave those little girls' parents the closure that they desperately sought. You did good, Nikki."

"So why doesn't it feel like it?" she asks softly, her eyes searching yours for an answer.

"Because sometimes catching the bad guy isn't enough. Those images that are burned into your brain, such young and vulnerable children lying on the slabs, they're never going to leave you. All you can do is keep fighting; keep struggling on."

"I can't close my eyes, Harry," she confesses, in nothing more than a whisper.

"It will get better," you reassure her. "I know it doesn't seem that way at the moment, but it will."

She smiles at you briefly, before taking your hand in hers and muttering, "Come with me." She then turns to Leo and says, "We'll go and get some drinks. Save our places for us."

You don't really know what's going on, or where she's taking you, or if you really are just going to get some drinks, but you trust her so you follow. She leads you away from the gathering crowds, in the opposite direction to the drink stall, and into a dark corner of the field where the noise and hustle-and-bustle of before is almost swallowed entirely by the stillness permeating this area.

"What are we doing over here?" you ask, almost nervously.

"I need to ask you something," she tells you, "and I don't want you to freak out or run off or get the wrong idea."

"Okay..." you reply slowly, gazing at her. It's the moonlight, this time, rather than the fire, which is reflecting in the tears in her eyes.

She opens her mouth once or twice, clearly debating over whether this is a good idea, before finally blurting out, "Will you come home with me tonight?"

You gape at her for a moment, wondering the possible implications of her words.

"I know how that sounded," she adds quickly, "and that's not what I meant, I promise. Well, not really. I just meant to sleep."

You frown, still slightly confused. "Why would you need me?"

The tears well-up in her eyes until one slips down her cheek, then another, then another. "Because I can't be alone anymore, Harry!" she sobs. "I can't do it! I've seen so much death and destruction, and I can't help wondering who would miss me, if I went? I once told a young man who was pressing a gun to my head that no one would miss me if he killed me!" She broke down into noisy tears that wracked her whole body, yet you refrain from doing anything – partly because you're in shock at her outburst, and partly because you sense that she has more to say. Sure enough, she takes a deep, shuddering breath and looks you straight in the eye. "I don't know how it happened," she mutters, "but I don't have anyone. I'm all alone. How did it happen that I have no one?"

This time you sigh and gather her into your arms, pressing a kiss into her hair as she cries onto your shoulder. "You are not alone, Nikki. I promise you. I'm here, aren't I?"

She releases a watery laugh into your coat and mutters, "You're always here."

"Exactly. Now look at me." You step back slightly and place a gentle finger under her chin in order to get her to look up.

She takes a deep breath before her eyes finally connect with yours.

"Believe me when I tell you," you whisper, pulling as much sincerity as you can into your words, "that I would miss you. I would miss you more than anyone or anything in this world. Because, as far as I'm concerned, I can't function properly when you're not in my life."

"Harry..." she breathes, clearly touched by your words. But then you wonder if it is just that. Because she's looking at you in that way that tells you she's seen something in your eyes that you're not entirely sure you want her to see. She's caught a glimpse of something you've been hiding for years. Something that you buried so deeply that even you forget about it sometimes, until it is brought to the surface by moments like these.

Breaking the eye contact, you say brashly, "Come on, let's get back to Leo and Janet. They'll be sending out a search party." You turn away and take a step forward.

"No, Harry – wait!" Nikki calls after you, grabbing your forearm and pulling you round. "You can't just walk away!"

She's gazing at you imploringly, tears still shining in her eyes. But you can't look directly at her, for the fear that she'll be able to see what she just saw again.

"I wasn't aware that I was," you lie. "I thought we were going back to the bonfire."

"Don't do that," Nikki warns you. "Do not do that!"

"Do what?" you ask, trying to act as if you're confused, when really you understand the situation all too well.

"Brush it all to one side; act as if it never happened!"

"I don't know what 'it' is," you tell her. Another lie.

"Yes you do," she says quietly. "I just saw it then in your eyes, so there's no good in trying to hide it."

Her hand travels down your arm and over your wrist. Her fingers brush lightly over the back of your hand, before finally lacing themselves with your own fingers. She grips your hand tightly.

"We always skirt around it, pretend like we're not aware of it," she mutters. "But then you look at me like you did a second ago, like you have so many times before when you've let your defences down, and I can't forget that look."

"There wasn't a look, Nikki. It was just..." but you trail off under her piercing stare.

"There was a look, Harry. Don't try telling me that there wasn't because I won't believe you," she says firmly, then sighs and continues: "I think we take each other for granted. I said it myself: you're always here. You're always on the other end of the phone, or sat on the desk opposite me, or at crime scenes with me ... I'm so used to your presence that I do, I take it for granted. All these years I've been missing what has been right in front of me. So instead I'll go out and get drunk and sleep with inappropriate guys..."

You stiffen at that last, an almost imperceptible movement that, however, did not go unnoticed by Nikki. She looks at you knowingly and says, "And you try and tell me that it doesn't exist?"

"You know, you haven't actually told me what 'it' is yet," you point out, "So therefore I cannot make a fully-informed judgement on whether or not 'it' exists."

She shakes her head exasperatedly. "It, Harry! It; you and me, us, the fact that we both clearly have feelings for each other that we're too bloody obstinate to admit!"

There's no getting around it now, you know that. The dam has broken, and there's nothing to be done to rebuild it. Nikki has finally said aloud what you've been trying to hide for years.

"Nikki, I..." you begin slowly, but she shakes her head.

"Don't say anything. Not yet," she tells you, and you can see the fear of rejection written all over her face. You want to interrupt and tell her that she doesn't need to worry, but she doesn't let you. Instead she says, "You know I told you that I said to Neil that no one would miss me if he killed me?"

You nod and run your thumb over the back of her hand, waiting for her to continue. She looks at the ground as she talks, avoiding your gaze.

"For a split-second I did truly believe that. I still do now from time to time. But back then, as far as I was concerned, my death wouldn't have made any impact on the world whatsoever. I thought no one would miss me..." She looks up suddenly, straight at you. "But I did know that I would miss you."

For the first time, you can see in her eyes what it is that she sees in yours. And it takes your breath away. You take a step closer to her, just as, in the background, there's a loud whistling followed by an almighty bang. You both look up at the dark sky in time to see the green and red sparks erupt.

When you turn your gaze to each other again, your faces are only inches apart. You swallow hard and realise that now would probably be the time for you to say something. "When you first started telling me this, I wanted to run in the opposite direction as fast as I could." Okay, maybe not the best thing you could have said.

That fear flashed across her face again, and she nodded sadly. "I know you did."

"But I don't anymore," you assure her, and she looks slightly more hopeful. "You just ... you need to know that I'm not very good long-term relationship material."

She snorts. "And I am? The average length of my relationship only tends to reach until breakfast. If that."

"No, that's not what I meant," you shake your head, desperate for her to understand. "I want the happy family that I know you want, but I never had that and I don't know how to get it." More fireworks start exploding over your heads, which you ignore.

"Nor do I," she says, smiling sadly at you. "So we can learn together, can't we?"

But the fear that you'll ruin her life with the pain and misery and destruction that have forever followed you around is nearly all-consuming. You don't want to break her like that, she deserves so much better than you. You tug your hand from her grip and turn your back to her, breathing in the cold night air. The flashing lights from the fireworks are casting an eerie glow over your surroundings.

"Harry?" she asks nervously, only just audible over the whistles and bangs above them.

"You don't want to be saying this to me," you tell her, still unable to turn around and look at her. "You need to take it back and we can forget it ever happened. Because I can't give you the happily-ever-after that you want, I'm no good at that. You deserve someone who is."

"You're such an idiot!" she cries, and it's so much the polar-opposite of what you were expecting that you spin around, shocked. "I don't care about the kids and the big house in the country and the happily-ever-after! Although, for what it's worth, I think you'd be a lot better at that than you think. But I don't care about that. I just want you, Harry! I would choose you any day over some guy that I don't love just because he's willing to give me a happily-ever-after. Which I don't believe in, anyway."

You watch her carefully, checking that she means what she says, then, when looking at her becomes unbearable, you choose to stare at the fireworks instead. Because she practically just told you that she loved you, and you know in that instance that you'd be willing to go to the ends of the earth to get Nikki what she wanted. However, by the time you've realised this and looked down again, she's gone.

Panicked momentarily, you spin on the spot. The lights and noises are slightly disorienting, but then you spot her retreating back as she walks away from you, only a few metres away, and your panic abates. You run after her just as she ran after you, you grab her arm just as she grabbed yours, and you spin her around, just as she did you. Only, this time you pull her flush against you and press your lips to hers before she can say anything.

Her arms wind quickly around your neck, her fingers burying in your hair. She's stood on tip-toes to reach you and you wrap your arms tightly around her waist when you feel her knees weaken slightly as you deepen the kiss. You marvel at how responsive she is to you, of how kissing her is so much better than you ever imagined it would be. You're in awe of the feeling in your stomach – like nervousness and excitement mingled with love and passion – which you could never have predicted in a million years. The fireworks are still banging and whistling above your heads, and it's so clichéd that it's almost laughable.

Succumbing to the need for oxygen, you break apart, but still remain fused together. You're breathing heavily and she's looking at you warily. "We can learn together, can't we?" you whisper, repeating her words from earlier.

She laughs slightly, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against yours. She's smiling broadly. "Yes, we can learn together."

* * *

**Not entirely sure if I'm happy with this... It's bit too long and drawn-out, I think. Ah well. I haven't written any one-shots for ages, and thought it was about time that I did. :)**

**Review? :) **

**xxxx**


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